yes please, nostalgia

gran greta

In a couple of days' time it will be a year since my gran, Greta Cant, died. we were very close and, after years of living with Parkinson's, that, coupled with a cancer diagnosed at far too late a stage proved too much. we couldn't have asked any more of her and I'm glad she's no longer suffering.

I hate that old newspaper cliche wherein people 'battle' cancer, or Parkinson's, or similar - people don't battle such illnesses, they die from them, often very slowly and in a great amount of pain. Nevertheless, this does not mean that those who face such a terrifying decline do so without bravery and a desire to take from life all that they possibly can. Greta was always so involved and interested in me and my sisters' lives, as well as the various children's groups that she helped with at the local church until she absolutely no longer could. There was no way that that enthusiasm and genuine joy could ever really be dimmed, it was just a part of her, a part that transcended her Parkinson's.

Her childhood was not by any means an easy one. For various reasons that I won't go into here, she faced enough to destroy any sort of idea of a fundamental 'goodness' in humanity. I'm really glad she didn't let that happen, i was blessed with a grandmother and indeed family who seem naturally predisposed to, in their own individual ways, do as much as they can for others.

My grandad Don is still alive and is guaranteed to, as i write this, still be complaining about the government and still supporting Arsenal. It's strange, as a child i was quite scared of him: he seemed gruff and distinctly uncuddly. Now all i see is a compassionate, proud working class 'realmanwhodoesntcry', who lost the absolute love of his life one year ago. They were married for over fifty years and his utter devotion in those difficult last few never ever wavered. I am so proud to have him as my grandfather, though i would not dream of making such a starkly emotional statement in earshot of him! When people say i'm 'just like him' it is usually a tongue in cheek reference to being grumpy. It would be an honour to turn out 'just like him'.

A year on, as of this moment, these are some of the things I miss: my gran's paintings, her half full cups of tea, her sneaky boxes of maltesers, her joy (relief) at every haircut i got, her coin collection, her christmas day nap, her soap operas, her hugs, her inquisitiveness, her getting the names of my girlfriends wrong, her hot water bottles and sandcastles in clacton, her birthday/christmas/get well cards, her lowry prints, her dylan thomas, her refusal to switch from 'jamie' to 'james' when, aged about ten, i forced everyone else to. i didn't mind.

I can think of a hundred songs about death, or coming to terms with it, or loss, or love or whatever that could be posted at the end of this but they wouldn't have meant anything to her specifically and if i'm going to associate her with a song i'd rather it be this one. This was always 'their' song. I used to think i would find someone to spend my entire life with, right now i'm not so sure. But i'm really glad that Greta had Don for all of hers and that Don had Greta.

Bing Crosby and Grace Kelly - True Love